Getting there...

It is hard to believe that I have been the mother of four little children for nearly three months now. Before Joseph was born, I guess adding a fourth one to the mix didn't seem that daunting...after all, I could handle three, right?...what was one more?

I learned pretty quickly though that wasn't exactly the case. The weeks early in December for some reason were especially difficult. I remember days that I simply could not figure out if I was just having a hard time adjusting to life with our new addition, or if I was honestly really losing it. Getting through our daily routine seemed like a blur and counting down the hours until Patrick got home each evening became a regular ritual. I remember asking myself...what kind of mother was I turning into? That's not me...is it?...at least, that's not the kind of mother I wanted to be. But my doubt was overcoming me; doubt in my ability to be a mother...doubt in my ability to raise these four little children...four little gifts I didn't feel I even deserved.

I don't know if I was wearing my feelings on my sleeve during this time or if God just placed special people in my life at the right moment, but I remember being pulled aside in the hallway at the girls' preschool one morning just over a week ago. A woman; a leader; a friend asked me how things were going and all I could do was look at her with eyes full of tears. I expected her to tell me "oh, it's okay Jess, there are days I feel like that too." But instead I remember her looking right back at me and firmly commanding me to not let Satan get a hold on me; to know that I am a good mother and that God has given me a good purpose. And at that moment it really hit me...God did not want me feeling that way; sitting there wallowing in my pity; soaked up in fear. I had a job to do...the job of a lifetime; so why was I letting doubt in my ability to do that job interfere?

...now, over a week later, I feel I have a better hold on things...on life as a mother of four. Oh sure, there are still moments when each one of them might be screaming or there is a mess around every corner that I turn...but how I feel in those situations isn't quite as dark as it might have been just a few weeks ago...I'm getting there. And now I know I can do this...I know I have to, I know I want to...and I know I will.

When my foot was slipping, your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Psalms 94:18-19